A Matter of Cheese
by The Unexisting
Summary: A cheese wedge has been stolen from a citizen of New Sheoth and it has been brought up to Sheogorath. It is up to his crazy mind to decide what will happen. A short story with a drop of lunacy in it.


_This is my first story. My native language isn't English, so the vocabulary isn't mind-blowing or anything. Hope you still like it._

* * *

Sheogorath was sitting on his throne in his palace in New Sheoth.

"Ah my dear Haskill, you have much to learn." he said. "We should do the opposite of what you're proposing. Dagon's invasion isn't our business. And besides, it's the mortals! They still have one of Aka's blessed among them. They do not need us."

"I'm sorry, My Lord." said Haskill, who was standing a few feet below Sheogorath. "It's not that I care for the mortals, I just don't want to give Dagon any more power."

"I understand, no need to worry. Or maybe I don't understand and you should indeed worry for your very life! Haha! I don't know. And now that I think of it, I don't even care."

"It was a very stupid suggestion from me, My Lord."

"Yes, it was!" said Sheogorath and sighed. "Now, what were you asking from me before you started to make stupid suggestions?"

"Ah yes! It seems that a citizen of Dementia – Amentius, I think was his name – has become a victim of a crime."

Sheogorath sighed again and closed his eyes in boredom.

"Isn't this the business of the Mazken?"

"Yes it is, but the nature of the crime is something you could be interested in." Haskill waited for Sheogorath's objection.

"Well? What are you waiting for! Get on with it before I tear out someone's spine!"

"I'm sorry, My Lord. You see, the stolen item is... a cheese wedge."

Sheogorath's eyes opened bright.

"Wh...what?" His voice was breaking up. He stood up in anger. "This... this is an outrage! Abomination! Scandal! What kind of _monster_ would steal someone's cheese?" Then he sat back down on his throne, shocked. "It breaks my heart..."

"The victim, Amentius, a citizen of Mania of the thievery. I think his name was Cleptonius."

"This is number one priority now, my dear Haskill! Bring these two mortals you just mentioned here. We'll sort this out right away!"

"Yes, My Lord." said Haskill and turned around and went outside.

Then Sheogorath raised his hand and snapped his fingers, shouting for Haskill. Then a purple shadow appeared in front of him and when it was gone, Haskill was there. Sheogorath laughed.

"Very funny, My Lord" said Haskill with a sarcastic tone in his voice.

"Ohohooo... I'm sorry, my dear Haskill. I almost forgot that I can always just get them here." Then he snapped his fingers, two times, and two purple shadows appeared in the middle of the throne room.

After confusion, fear and panic, the two of them finally realized what had happened, where they were and who was sitting in front of them. The other one only had his underwear on him with a small shirt in his hands.

Sheogorath laughed. "Well this is unfortunate!" He laughed a bit more. "Ooohohoo... but also so very, very funny!" And then he continued laughing.

When he finally stopped laughing, he did it extremely quick. Suddenly everything became very serious.

"I guess both of you now why we're here."

"Yes" answered the one who was fully clothed, "No" said the one who only had his underpants on him. He was putting his shirt on at the moment.

Sheogorath took a better position on his throne. "Now then... Which one of you is Amentius?"

The one with clothes raised his shaking hand.

"I – I am."

"So that must mean that you're the thief." He pointed at the man who had just got his shirt on himself.

"What?" he asked. "I haven't stolen anything!"

"So you say..." said Sheogorath. "So, Amentius, when did the crime happen?"

Amentius cleared his throat.

"I think it happened during when I went to the Sacellum Arden-Sul today at noon" he said. "I always have a cheese wedge or two in my back pocket. I had taken a bite from it before I went to the church. When I got out, it wasn't there anymore."

"And why do you think it was Cleptonius?"

"Well, Lord Sheogorath, he's... he's been looking at me strangely over the course of this week during the meetings at the Sacellum."

"I haven't!" shouted Cleptonius, giving Amentius a surprised, angry look.

"Silence, you fools!" shouted Sheogorath. "Now, do you have any evidence to back this up?"

"No, I don't."

"That's 'ight!" shouted Cleptonius. "Listen to me Sheog, this man over there is crazy! Plain 'n' simple crazy! Now, I ain't done none nothin'! I'm innocent!"

"Aren't we all a bit crazy here?" asked Sheogorath, without even giving a smile to the mortal.

"Well that doesn't matter. My point is that this Amentiplanenti doesn't even know what he's talking 'bout!"

Sheogorath took a relaxed but an intelligent looking pose.

"Intriguing... What do you say, Haskill? Which one's eyeballs should I have for dinner?"

"Well, My Lord, I'd suggest that you'd either do nothing or finish off both of them. They have no evidence for the accuse or for the defense. So it really doesn't matter."

"Wonderful! Then I'll have four eyeballs for tonight and a piece of liver!"

"What!?" said both of the mortals.

"That's right! Guards! Kill them!"

A Dark Seducer and a Golden Saint stepped forward from the sides of the main hall with weapons raised. The mortals tried to run but the guards catched them quickly, piercing them with their spears. Their lifeless bodies fell on the floor.

"That's it, Haskill! Justice! Hahaa! I haven't eaten Imperial fingers in _days_!"

Haskill didn't even shiver. He had served Sheogorath for eras and wasn't disgusted by his way of eating mortals. He calmly walked to the back of the hall to his corridors.

Meanwhile in the Sacellum Arden-Sul, the High Priest of Dementia saw something on one of the benches. It was a piece of cheese. Odd. He picked it up in his hands. It wasn't dirty. It looked eatable. After examining the cheese wedge for a while he ate it. And never thought about it again.


End file.
